(story by @ClarisseThorn, a Chestist)

One of the awesome things about writing about sex and relationships is that when my romantic life gets weird, I can feel extra productive about it — not just because I'm learning Exciting Life Lessons, but because it will doubtless yield an excellent column or blog post someday. Sometimes it yields a column almost immediately!

I've got a complicated situation in progress right now that makes me nervous, which means that I'm ferociously theorizing about it. Here's what happened. Back in December, I got involved with this guy who I call Mica. I was super into him from like the minute I met him, and he's into me too, and things are generally going well. We both identify as polyamorous, meaning that we choose to have open relationships with multiple people and to be completely honest about it.

(I bet some people will read this post and conclude that polyamory is way too complicated. They'll wonder why I even bother! I can't argue with that, as it is a reasonable analysis …)

When I met Mica, I met him at a party where I also met his two established partners. They're a polyamorous couple, who I'll call the Zens because — you guessed it — they are both amazing, calm, Zen people. I really, really like both of them, but I'm not especially romantically interested in them. The four of us flirted a fair bit, but the overwhelming spark I felt was for Mica.

I concluded that I ought to be straightforward about this. Towards the end of the night, I made out with Mica; at one point Miss Zen appeared, kissed both of us, and then went off to do something else. I turned to Mica and told him, very seriously, that I was mostly interested in him. That I liked the Zens, but I just wasn't into them the way I'm into him. "Is this okay?" I asked. He assured me that it was fine.

It was incredibly late. The four of us were somewhat intoxicated. A communal conclusion was reached that it would be a good idea, logistically, for everyone to crash at Mica's place. I knew that once we all got there, the scenario could easily develop into some kind of group sex thing, and I just wasn't up for that. For one thing, I'm not so into group sex. For another, I was exhausted. And for another, I didn't especially want to hook up with the Zens. So on the way to Mica's place, I grabbed a chance to talk to Mr. Zen about it.

In retrospect, I probably should have waited until we were actually at the apartment and I could talk to the three of them as a group. But there was a moment on the way, when Mica and Miss Zen were separated from us, and Mr. Zen and I were talking, and it seemed like a good time to bring it up, so I brought it up. I tried to tell Mr. Zen that I liked him — I liked him a lot, and I liked Miss Zen a lot, and I wanted to be friends — but I was primarily interested in Mica.

Then we got to Mica's apartment, I went to sleep almost right away, and I've been dating Mica ever since. I haven't seen much of the Zens because they live on the opposite end of Chicago and we all have busy lives. But yesterday, I was hanging out with Mica, and he said: "Can we talk about something?"

He seemed oddly hesitant.

"Of course," I said.

"I was talking to Miss Zen this morning," he said. "And she says that she's been worried about something for a while, but she hasn't been sure how to bring it up. You remember, at the party where we met you in December, when you told me that you wanted to date me and not the Zens?"

"I remember," I said.

"Well," Mica said. "Miss Zen told me that apparently, you talked to Mr. Zen later that night. And you told him that you want to date the Zens, you don't want to date me. And we can't understand why you told me and Mr. Zen such different things."

For a moment I was just completely stunned. Then the meaning of what Mica had told me began to sink in. "No, no," I said. "No, that's not what I was trying to say at all. I was trying to tell him that I wanted to date you, and not them!"

We talked it out. It took a while.

From what I can tell, Miss Zen has been carrying this around ever since mid-December! For over a month she's been thinking that I tried to tell her two regular male partners these totally opposite things. And she has been — justifiably! — confused and nervous about me as a result.

I wish she'd called to ask me about it directly, but I understand why she didn't. If I were actually the kind of person who would pull a stunt like that, then I would be an extremely unstable and unreliable person. If I were that kind of person, then it would make sense for the Zens to keep their distance.

Last night, I sent Miss Zen an email in which I did my best to clarify things; to explain what I actually meant; and to say that I want to be friends. And now I've felt anxious all day while I waited for her response. The Zens are very calm and communicative people, and Mica has thoroughly reassured me that he thinks everything will be fine. But still … I'm so, so anxious.

So, here's where the theory comes in. All day today, I've been thinking about what I could have done to minimize the possibility of this miscommunication. Some responsibility goes to other involved parties for what happened, but surely there are things I could have done to help avoid this situation. I've talked about it with a couple friends, and I've stared at my computer screen for a while, and I've written this, and now here's my list of thoughts:

1. I think it was good that I checked in with Mica first, and told him individually that I was primarily interested in him. If he'd wanted to talk about it more, then it probably would have been good to discuss it one-on-one first. But after that, I could have waited until we were all in one group to talk to the Zens. That would have minimized the likelihood of Telephone-style miscommunications.

2. I could have waited until we were sober, and not tired. The original conversations happened around dawn after an energetic party — and although I felt like we were communicating clearly at the time, I was obviously wrong. Stone-cold sober would have been a lot less risky.

3. This is ironic, because I just wrote a post last month about how you can't date half a couple. (There are some great comments on that post, by the way — I highly recommend them.) And I really did try to follow up with the Zens, after I met Mica. Miss Zen and I exchanged numbers; we talked about getting coffee together; and I even went to one party specifically because I wanted to hang out with her. But we never ended up talking one-on-one. I could have made more of an effort to see the Zens, or at least one of them, in a more specific way. If I had, then I'm sure I would have understood that something was wrong much sooner.

4. When I was talking to Mr. Zen, and trying to tell him that I just wanted to date Mica? I don't remember exactly what I said, but I remember that I was incredibly worried that he would feel rejected; I was worried that I'd hurt his feelings. Also, I wanted to be friends with him; I didn't want to cut things off. So I said a lot of things like "I really like you and Miss Zen," and "I want to hang out with you and Miss Zen." In retrospect, I bet my attempts to "soften the blow" only made my words more unclear. I talked about this a lot with one of my girlfriends today, and we came to the same conclusion: Don't worry too much about softening the blow. Being nice is important, but being clear is the most important thing!

… There you go, readers. Every time I think I'm getting better at this polyamory thing, something like this comes up! But these lessons aren't only good for polyamorous relationships, right? Maybe both monogamous and polyamorous people can learn from my mistakes. I sure hope I did.

(READ MORE Clarisse here.)