(story by Mir, from WouldaCouldaShoulda)
So I'm currently in the middle of rehearsals for a local production of "The Vagina Monologues," and I can already tell you that this experience is invigorating in a dozen different ways. (Not the least of which being that I haven't been on stage in twenty years, and memorizing lines seems a lot more complicated now than it did back then.)
One of the things that's happening as a result of my involvement is that I find myself thinking about words a lot more often. (Warning! Profanity ahead!) If you've never seen the show, there's an entire monologue about the word "cunt." Now, I'm one of those people who believes in using proper words for learning about body parts, but that aside, I can honestly say that "cunt" probably tops the list of my least-favorite words for the female anatomy. (In can you're curious, "twat" comes in as a distant second.) Prior to "The Vagina Monologues" I've only ever heard cunt used as the basest of insults. Calling a woman a cunt is meant to reduce her to nothing but a receptacle for hatred, in my mind. It sounds angry and filthy and debasing.
I don't know a single woman who uses the word cunt to refer to her own personal girly parts. I'm not saying that woman doesn't exist, but I sure don't know her if she does.
Back to the monologue: it's about reclaiming the word cunt. And it's masterfully written. At rehearsal this weekend we had an entire roomful of women cheering "CUNT! CUNT!" by the end of the monologue, and it was… glorious. The idea of women reclaiming a word with such negative connotations, empowering it to sound and feel like electricity and strength and everything that is right about femininity instead of derision and hatred, well, that's pretty amazing.
So it's got me thinking about all kinds of other words, too, but anatomy words in particular. Just yesterday I used the word "dick" in a negative way in my writing, as in "don't be a dick." I think for whatever reason, "dick" enjoys a bit more mainstream acceptance than "cunt," and rather than getting all philosophical about the patriarchy on you, I'll just say that I realized I don't want to be the kind of person who insults others using references to genitalia. At all. Because I think it takes something away from all of us when we do that, somehow. It's insidious.
I'm going to try to be more mindful about those sorts of things. I think it matters. And it starts with taking a good hard look at the words we use, and what they really mean.
Now: I'm a writer, so maybe I'm a little too attached to the secret lives of words or whatever. What do you think? Am I overstating this, or does it matter? What does it mean when we, as a society, insult each other this way? Are there everyday ways to reclaim some words we've turned negative?
(read more Mir here. She may or may not curse.)
My first question would be…. just how many words are there that, when said, do not have any other meaning other than to insult or demean someone or something? (no, I have not heard the ‘cunt’ monologue, but I would agree in principle to that and twat, your examples). To me, it is infinitely less about the word… than the intent. Words are twisted and mangled so often, and so badly, especially when referring to bodily parts and functions. It is done for many reasons… to insult, to amuse, to avoid embarrassment (euphemisms). It is ALSO dependent on the listener… how will someone ‘take’ what is said to them? Point is… we might be able to eliminate words that do nothing but hurt, but if someone wants to do it, they will find a way to hurt with other words.
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I agree about almost any word having the ability to become an insult. My mother never really cared much for her in-laws. Perhaps to disguise her dislike from us when we were small (or maybe because she just didn’t want to say their names) she would call them by their town to my father. “Oh, did you go to Arlington today?” “What is with the mood, did Arlington call?”. Eventually, Arlington became an insult all on its own.
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I have many thoughts about all of this, but I’ll just say it succinctly, I don’t use any of those words. (Including my biggest pet peeve, the one that starts with a “p”.) I don’t cuss either, so it’s all part of my philosophy for living.
I do think it’s sad (without sounding too “woowoo” here) that words for a body part as amazing as a vagina are used in such awful ways. I guess the power of it is part of what drives the insult, though. You never here anyone yell “sternum!” at someone. (tangent: calling someone a heel is an insult, though. Hmm.)
Oh geez, I’m rambling dangerously close to being without a point. I’ll stop.
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I am giggling so very hard right now and so yelling a forceful “sternum!” the next time I’m cut off while driving.
I don’t care for the “p” word either, but…I have used it on occasion to describe someone (shameful, I know!), usually a man. But I have never/would never use it to describe my lady parts.
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Isn’t calling a man the “p” word kind of insulting to woman? You are putting a man down by calling him a woman basically…
Thanks for this post Mir. I’ve been trying really hard to remove gender based insults from my vocabulary (like how people call other people weak by either saying they don’t have parts of the male genitalia or about how they do have parts of female genitalia…
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Yes, we think it is. Seems there’s little that can be of greater insult to a man than calling him a woman. What’s up with that?
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Sternum!!! I’m so laughing. Of course our favorite insult around here is doorknob. I agree that the intent is certainly the biggest part of it but also the choice of word makes a difference too. The vagina is an amazing body part, it defines us as women, so to use a crass word for that body part is to demean all aspects of femininity. Elbow, heel, or sternum just don’t accomplish the same thing no matter how much venom is behind their use.
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As often the target of the “C” word by my soon to be ex-husband, in front of my two young children no less, it is definitely a word used to degrade and belittle. I agree that the intent behind it is more than the word itself, but that word…I don’t know about claiming it, never mind “reclaiming” it. I would love to see the show though!
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I agree w/the earlier comment that it’s how the word is used. Not too many words outright offend me but a person’s tone, facial expression, inflection of voice — those things are usually what will make it be known their intent is to offend. Kinda sorta not quite on the same topic, I noticed when Shrek was on TV the other night they bleeped out the word ass (which we all know has various meanings). Shrek was referring to Donkey, who, indeed is an ass. But of course his saying “I’ve got to save my ass” was to be satirical. It was just interesting to me that they opted to edit it when its connotation was clear (to me).
I think the only way to reclaim words that are used negatively are to not let them define you to begin with. If someone calls you a dick and you know you are indeed not being a dick, then what else is there to say? Shout from the rooftop that you aren’t being one? Why? That person is of no consequence to you. This is easier said than done, of course, especially as we are parenting. And now I’m going down Meghann’s path of rambling (although she wasn’t. But I am).
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I think I am missing the point here, but can I still call someone as ass? I suppose my best course of action would be to stop calling people derogatory names. It just can’t be helped sometimes.
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Hmmmm…fair point about ass. I personally am a fan of creative insults (ass hat being a favorite), but is anyone up in arms about degrading the glory of our butts?
I also hate the word “douche” or “douchebag”. Why is that an insult? If the idea is that a product used to clean the private bits is dirty or offensive, why don’t we call people “washcloth”? (disregard another rant entirely about the history of the female genitalia as perceived unclean) My sweetie thinks d-bag has strayed from its original meaning to imply something specific, but I would like to see the word done away with entirely. In fact, I suggested we start using ass hat instead.
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Both men and women have asses, though, so it’s not an insult based on gender. At least that’s how I think of that. (I agree that asshat is amongst the very most satisfying of insults. Heh.)
As for douche… well, you know, douching is entirely unnecessary. It was invented by people who don’t understand female anatomy, and so I feel like “douche” and “douche canoe” (I don’t know how a canoe became involved, but it does roll of the tongue) to me feel like (appropriate) indictments of stupidity and uselessness.
Whoa. Talk about language being multifaceted!
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Hey! That is my exact justification for using douche! and also my approach to ass… get out of my brain!!
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Now, I always thought “douche bag” was like “you are useless and nobody even needs you” but without implication of gender roles….
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I’ve always thought that both “bag” and “canoe” when used in connection with douche are a reference to the douche receptacle, thus, to female anatomy, which is forbidden under your argument. Douche canoe would be hard to give up though.
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My 10yo just started a human sexuality class at the UU congregation. The adults had an exercise at the orientation for which we listed every word we could think of for a vagina. We came up with about 40. Then we did the same task for penis and couldn’t make it past 20. (This was a co-ed group of parents btw) The terms for the woman’s body were primarily derogatory – some of them delicate- but looking at the list of men’s terms, they were frequently empowering!
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STERNUM!!
Perhaps KNEECAP or even SEPTUM!! I look forward to trying those out soon.
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I’m excited that I may have caused a revolution about the word “sternum”.
We could even get nerdier. “You’re such a xiphoid.” I want to say that to someone just to see how they react.
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Us, we like “no talent ass clown” (Office Space, the movie). Says so much, and with something of a smile at the same time.
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Usually, I agree with you on most things, but this one I’ll have to disagree. Words are what we make of them. ‘Cunt’ can be reshaped, remodeled and reclaimed. Yet, for some people, the old debased meaning would fit well. I like my language rich, and filthy, and gritty, and able to describe life the way it sometimes really is. I’d rather swear when it’s appropriate than couch it in niceties, because that wouldn’t be /honest/. Unless, of course, there’s kids around, or the context doesn’t make it appropriate, but otherwise? No way I’m holding back if it’s warranted.
Is the fact that someone’s called a cunt or dick in a derogatory way going to ruin my view of my bits? No. It might damage someone else’s self-esteem, but are we seriously going to cut useful, colorful words from the language just so everything is nicely baby-proofed?
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Of course I’m too modern and crass to think of specific examples, but when you read old journals or letters from 100 years ago, they seem to have known ways to insult people without any of those terms. If only we could remember those ways, instead of falling back on the lazy method!
I used to have a good list of Renaissance Faire insults, but I seem to have misplaced them . .
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Just start watching Dowton Abbey with the rest of us. Some of the dialogue is so wickedly sharp, while still sounding polite. I love it.
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I’m an English geek, number one, and number two, I can’t really remember anyone calling me a cunt. Certainly not anyone I cared about. So while I know about all the hateful ways people have used the word, I also remember the sex scene in Lady Chatterly’s Lover, when he tells her, this, this is your cunt, and then he loves it and she begins to embrace her repressed sexuality. It’s a very tender and earthy moment, and he says it in his brogue, and it seems like such a wonderful Anglo-Saxon name for it.
So I’m all for reclaiming it. I started thinking about this after the Sex Talk post, and realized I don’t have a satisfactory name for it myself. I’m fine with vagina for a medical term, as in where my babies came out, but it’s not a sexy word for me in the slightest. I think in my deepest darkest places (ha!) I do think of it as my cunt. In a sexy Northern English dialect and all.
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Goodness, I better see that again!
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