(story by Mir, from Woulda Coulda Shoulda)
I have a soft spot in my heart for bullies. This wasn't always the case, of course. Nor am I some sort of Mother Teresa figure, now. It's just that time and age have taught me that happy, fulfilled people don't behave that way. People are mean because they hurt. As a theoretical concept, I sympathize. As an actual—say, as a kid beating up on my kid—well, my patience isn't quite so great. But I try.
Me, I was bullied as a kid. But the truth is that I also was sometimes the bully, myself. There is something intoxicating about having the power to wound someone when you, yourself, have been badly damaged. I get it. As a child, you don't think it through that way, of course. All you know is that it feels powerful. Just like all you know when it's being inflicted on you is that it hurts like hell.
This insight—if you can even call it that—came long after 99% of the situations wherein I needed it. My husband and I constantly joke about how teenagers' brains aren't fully formed; teens can drive you to drink with their apparent "logic," if you let them, but they can't help it. Still, it's my instinct to try to make things better when I see my child hurting. And my wisdom about how the person making you miserable is probably miserable, themselves, is scoffed at and rejected. No surprise, there. When someone's hurting you and you're a hormonal kid, what do you care if they had a rotten childhood, themselves? You don't. You just want them to stop making you feel bad.
So once upon a time when I was a teen, I went to a summer acting program that included a girl who grated on my every last nerve. Whatever someone was doing, she was sure she could do it better. Whatever advice was offered, hers was superior. She had an unkind word for absolutely everyone, and the worst part was that she seemed oblivious to what a complete jerk she was; she was convinced she was all that and a bag of chips, and was "helping" the rest of us.
Conventional wisdom up until that point in my life dictated that I should: Ignore her and she'll stop (unlikely), try to be friends with her (no thanks), or be just as obnoxious in return (tempting, but not really a solution). I knew there was really nothing that would work, but one day after a particularly difficult encounter a friend and I went to one of our teachers after class, anyway, because I feared I was going to lose my mind if I couldn't figure out how to deal with this person who seemed hell-bent on making everyone hate her.
The teacher was unsurprised by our concerns, but totally surprised us with her response. She prefaced it by saying that we were not allowed to share what she was about to tell us with anyone (lest she get in trouble for dispensing this particular advice), but then she looked at us solemnly and said, "You have to kill her."
We giggle, uneasily, looking at each other and back at our teacher. "Oh not FOR REAL," she hastened to add. "In your MIND. You have to kill her in your mind." Again, we exchanged looks.
"I don't understand," I said, finally.
"Think of it this way," she said. "Does she affect your grade?" We shook our heads. "Your ability to learn?" Again, we shook for no. "Is she actively sabotaging any of your relationships?" We had to think about this one a bit, but again, the answer was no. "She doesn't matter," the teacher explained. "She has no impact on the things that matter to you. So you just… kill her in your mind. Pretend she doesn't exist. This is different than ignoring her. Ignoring means she's there, she's doing things, and it's secretly driving you nuts. But if she's deceased in your head, anything she does is of no consequence. It will stop bothering you because it's over. I know it sounds weird and impossible. But it works. And I'm not talking about imagining a grisly murder scene, I'm talking about dropping all anger and emotion and just imagining that she passed away and that's that. She's no longer part of your landscape. Try it."
We left her classroom whispering about this bizarre and somewhat evil-feeling advice. But we tried it, and to our great surprise—it worked. For both of us. We had no further problems with that girl for the rest of the session.
As the years went on, I used the "kill them in your mind" advice a few more times, but the older I got, the harder it was to implement. Life gets complicated; people who grate on me or downright hurt me are often folks I have to work with or otherwise make nice with to get through a day. Unlike back when I was a kid, I rarely interact with people who are completely unimportant to me; everyone is either involved in something that I need or with people pivotal to my career or life in some way. Things are messier, now.
The last time I tried to kill someone in my mind, she kept popping up on my radar because she's entwined in various venues, projects and people where I have to be, too. This made the unpleasant emotions crop back up, too, and eventually I had to admit that I couldn't kill her. So I went to my reasonable-adult position of remembering that the hurt she'd caused me was likely unintentional, or—even if it was intentional—she probably wasn't a terribly happy person, herself, and was therefore deserving of my compassion rather than my rancor. I'd love to tell you I've been a mature adult about it, but… I'm a little stuck. Intellectually, I get it. Emotionally? It still smarts. And I'm struggling with where to "put" her so that I can go back to being where I need to be.
Would you ever "kill" someone in your mind? Do you have a way of putting those who hurt you somewhere so that you can move on?
(for more Mir, go here)
Have you ever noticed that the most arrogant people are usually the most insecure? I think the same is true with Bullies. I don’t mean for this to excuse their behavior or actions, but I think they’re beating the heck out of themselves on the inside.
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Fascinating method, and interesting that it worked better when life was simpler.
I’m not a terribly good grudge-holder, something that drove me nuts as a kid. I WANTED to keep my angry, I WANTED to maintain that emotional high of hurt feelings and wrath and all of that but give me five minutes and something shiny and *poof* it was gone. Now, I did a darn good job of pretending I was still mad, but for some reason only did it to my poor, longsuffering mum. She had no idea that all that time I was humming away in my head quite happily.
As an adult I’m very, very grateful not to have the grudge gene. It has made life much happier. Yes, there are a couple of people at work that I simply do not like and definitely do not trust because of how they have acted in the past, but I’m really, really glad I don’t have to drag them around with me all the time as well!
I have enough baggage in my little red wagon as it is!
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There is only one person in my life who affects me negatively. I have had to severely curtail my contact with her. Using your instructor’s criteria, I cannot “kill” her, but limiting face-to-face situations has helped me compartmentalize. She is in a brain space I need not visit very often.
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Well, I meant for my comment to be in this space instead of replying to Megan’s comment. Ack! My bad …
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Yes, and she “friended me” on FB. I hesitantly agreed and then found that I wasn’t sleeping well and wasn’t even feeling well. All my 7th grade angst from her bullying came back to me. Rather than make myself sick, and in lieu of actually (gasp) forgiving her, I unfriended her. Dead to me.
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Wow, hard feelings die hard, huh? Good for you for doing what you needed to.
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I’m not good with this. Whatever I’m thinking is written all over my face. And I’m verbal. I try to keep my mouth shut but, if you hit the bitch switch you better hold on because it’s going to be a bumpy ride. haha
Wish I had words of wisdom to share. Good luck!
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OMG … this is soooo me. Even if I keep my mouth shut (very, very difficult) … everyone just “knows” what I’m thinking by looking at me.
And if I stare at the ground (or past them – or a point in space), or don’t ask questions/interact, etc. E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E says, “I could just TELL how pissed/mad/irritated you were!!!!” *le sigh*
I struggle to know which is better, “hitting the bitch switch”, or “bottling it up” … because it’s clear I’d still be doing the “snoopy dance of joy” if I mentally killed off the person.
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I try to remember that other people are all fighting their own battles and if they are mean to me, I try not to take it personally. Even if they mean it to be personal, I refuse to acknowledge it! “Nope,” I think, “Your life sucks and you’re angry, and I just happened to get in the way of you spewing hatred everywhere, which you would be doing whether or not I was involved.” Well, that’s what I try to do, sometimes it doesn’t work but mostly it helps me not to get offended too much.
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@ Angela – I love your advice…I just happened to get in the way….that sounds a lot healthier than the path my head usually takes. Thanks!
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There is someone who is too much a part of my life for me to “kill” her… yet. I’m hoping that day comes in the next half a year that I can pretend she doesn’t exist most of the time.
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The idea that it worked better before we grew up really resonates with me. I did get the chance to “erase” several bullies in my life, and that was always a freeing experience. I (and my bullies) went from a junior high of 200 people to a high school with 2,000. They just…. disappeared. i almost never saw them, and they literally couldn’t bully me in front of everyone in the school, so they lost a lot of power over me.
But now… there’s more than a couple people who I would be better without, except that they’re involved in my life in ways I can’t control. I can kill pieces of them, but not them entirely. It’s still a freeing experience, even if it doesn’t cure everything.
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I murder people practically hourly in my mind (perhaps even more frequently), but I can’t seem to divorce it from the emotional content, so I have to kill them over and over again. It’s quite strenuous and messy, really. IN MY MIND.
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Brigitte, have I ever mentioned that you appear to have a really rich inner life?
(I like that about you!)
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My grandmother was very wise. She told me once that the one who truly doesn’t care in a situation holds all the power. I’m sure that she learned it because my grandfather was a bit nasty, but that’s another story. I’ve come to realize that she is absolutely right. If you truly don’t care about a person or situation with the person, then you really have all the power. You can’t just say, “I don’t care” you need to really truly get to a place where you do not care. It works for me every time. When I stop giving my power to others by letting them rule my emotions, then I end up with a lot happier life.
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Very wise, indeed.
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Very true. I feel cynical but I say it anyway because it’s true: In certain situations, whoever cares the LEAST, WINS. You don’t care if the dishes are done, and I do? Guess who will end up doing them. When you have absolutely nothing to lose, you can do whatever you want. Healthy thinking and behavior? No. But unfortunately it is true from time to time.
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I recommend working in a public library. Having done so for the last few years, I finally built up that ‘tough skin’ that I always thought was mythological. It becomes easier to recognize when people are just unloading their bad day/week/month/life on you because you’re the nearest warm body and you’re obligated to listen. I find in comparison to the vitriol launched at me by strangers, the people that irritate or anger me in my personal life are much easier to take in comparison.
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This was very good advice and particularly pertinent to a situation I am currently grappling with. I wasn’t sure I could be big enough to kill this one specific person and just let it go, but after reading Brigitte’s comment, I see that killing her over and over and over again, like every day when I run into her (DIE!) might work well for me, and then maybe I will get to the point where she can just be dead to me.
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