(story by @ClarisseThorn, a Chestist)
A month or two ago, I published a piece called A Unified Theory of Orgasm. In that piece, I talked about my own history, and how long I took to learn how to orgasm. Basically, learning how to orgasm took a long time and a lot of angst. And I'm really glad that I eventually figured it out — and that I have many years of experimentation still ahead of me.
That piece was really well-received, and a lot of people have thanked me for writing it. As always, though, there's some mixed feedback too. And I've been worried about one thing in particular: it seems like a lot of people missed the part in my article where I said that, now that I've learned how to have orgasms … orgasms aren't even my favorite part of sex. It's a long article, and I can see how people would miss that, but I did say it and I think it's important.
Specifically, I wrote:
[It may help some people] not to prioritize orgasms. I am not saying orgasms aren't important; I just don't want the importance of orgasms to wound you, the way it wounded me. For me, it is helpful to imagine sex as a journey. For me, it helps to focus on having fun throughout, instead of doing what it takes to reach the "goal" of orgasm. If you're not taking pleasure in the journey — or at least indulging some curiosity — then why keep going? Why not stop and try something else?
Experimenting sexually in an open-ended way has been, for me, the most productive possible attitude. And in fact, once I knew how to make myself come, I discovered that — though it's helpful to be able to attain that release if I really want to — orgasms aren't actually my favorite part of sex! There are lots of other things I like better.
It's also worth noting that our definitions of "orgasm" are fairly narrow. Some research indicates that there may be other ways to conceptualize orgasms than the stereotypical genital-focused approach.
And now I want to talk about it some more.
It may be ironic that I spent so much time feeling terrible and broken and depressed because I couldn't figure out how to have orgasms … whereas now I prefer not to focus on them. In fact, I estimate that most of my current sexual encounters don't include my orgasm, and very few of my most pleasurable sexual encounters have included my orgasm.
I'm the first to admit that I don't know everything about sex, and there's a lot that I haven't experienced. Anything might change. But seriously. The best sex I've had in my life has been connective and emotional and, for me personally, has frequently involved intense BDSM. My favorite sex so far? Has also mostly been orgasm-free.
Some people in some sex-related communities have asserted that for maximum amorous power, it's actually best to limit one's orgasms, because then the contained sexual energy ends up channeling into a deeper connection with one's partner. I can see that. For me, another way of thinking about it is that I'm really into being teased — and I'd rather experience hours of being teased without an orgasm, than have a quick encounter that ends in orgasm.
And …. (Oh no, I can already tell this is going to get complicated … but hey, sex is complicated, so I'll give it a shot.) …. Especially when I'm doing BDSM, it can actually be hot sometimes if I don't have an orgasm. For example: if I go to sleep so turned on that I can't dream about anything but my partner, and then I wake up in a damp mess, and then my partner makes my life difficult all morning, it's pretty awesome. (Although it's very nice that I know how to give myself orgasms now, because that means that if I'm really feeling overwhelmed by my own sexual energy, I know how to give myself release if I have to. You know, like … if I need to get some work done.)
Aaaaand … here's the most painful, ridiculous, circular irony of all. Ready? Here goes: now that I'm capable of having orgasms, I've found myself occasionally having orgasms only to satisfy my partner. How absurd is that? Plus, I know I'm not alone, because I've talked to other women who do the same thing!
I've written before that in the past I've felt trapped by fake plastic ideas of "what hot girls look like during sex"; I've written about how the pressure to "perform" my sexuality can hurt. What has amazed me, as I've gotten older, is just how pervasive that pressure can feel with some partners … and how little pressure there is with other partners. The question of how to create a low-pressure environment for sexuality to flourish is big and complicated, so let me just say here that although I'm all about people giving each other orgasms … it's no good if my partner's desire to give me an orgasm turns into pressure for me to have an orgasm!
Scarleteen, my favorite sex education site, has a great article about "squirting" orgasms and how some women feel pressured to "squirt" for the sake of the sexual "novelty". On a similar note, I'll close this post with an anecdote about a guy I dated a while back who was very focused on giving me orgasms. To his credit, he figured out how to make me come very quickly. But the problem was that — I soon realized — the biggest reason he wanted to make me come was because he wanted to feel like he could. Fundamentally, it wasn't about my pleasure; it was about him feeling like "the man".
Let me be clear: he was a great guy, and I was into having sex with him. But it became very obvious to me that if I didn't have an orgasm every time we had sex, then he would be really bothered. So there were definitely a few encounters where, although I wasn't especially interested in having an orgasm, I still closed my eyes and flicked through fantasies with a kind of panic … until I managed to kick-start my body into coming. Isn't that messed up?
One thing I've learned, in years of writing about sex and gender, is that anything — anything at all — can be a tool for limiting or stifling sexuality … just as much as it can be a tool for releasing sexuality. Turns out, orgasms are no exception. Even orgasms can become a difficult duty. I'm so glad that I know how to have an orgasm now; for me, that was an important step for my sexuality and my self-esteem. But now that I've learned how to do that, I find myself questioning why it's such an important and destructive issue in the first place!
Sex is a journey. There are so many directions, so many forks in the road, so many stops along the way. There are so many speedbumps and roadblocks, uphills and downhills, free and easy open stretches. Sometimes people stop to rest. Sometimes people double back. Everything is evolving. A lot of people find it most awesome to simply … enjoy the road.
Have you ever felt pressured by a partner to do something that you normally liked? Have you ever felt like there was something hard to understand about the way people around you talked about or conceptualized orgasms? Tell us about it in the comments.
Sometimes the pressure to have an orgasm just to please my partner takes a lot of the pleasure out of sex.
Report this comment
This was really interesting. I feel a lot of pressure to orgasm, but also to get my partner to orgasm. My previous relationship was not a good one. The sex was painful and one way to get it over as quickly as possible was to get him to orgasm. I really approached sex with a “lets just get this over with” attitude when I was with him. Although I’m in a much better relationship years later I still feel like it’s all about my partner’s orgasm. I’m at a point now where I can talk about this but it’s still frustrating and feels like it’s kind of in the way of a stronger relationship.
Report this comment
These are really good points!
Another BDSM sub here – I agree that orgasms are nice but there are far more powerful things that can make sex awesome and memorable/ affecting. Physical and mental feelings that go into a great sexual encounter can have nothing to do with direct stimulation, but coexist with it…. I’m confusing myself now
Report this comment
I agree very much that, as a male, the ‘ability to make a woman come’ has become very bound up into our definition of masculinity so I can see how it can become more mechanical and obligatory than pleasurable. Personally I love to make my partner come, not because I feel it’s a ‘duty’ or a display of power, but simply because nothing turns me on more or makes sex better for me than feeling my partner orgasm. I have also had a number of really great sexual experiences that did not involve orgasm or ejaculating. And as a male, that’s I think perhaps more difficult to admit or to take pleasure or pride in than for a woman? The assumption for men is, if you don’t cum, it was somehow a ‘waste of time’ to have sex. Great article, very thought provoking!
Report this comment
Glad I’m not the only man who doesn’t orgasm whenever I have sex. As a college student though, the reaction I’d be expecting from my peers would be less of thinking it was a waste of time and more:
“Whoa, back up bro. You have sex with chicks and don’t get off? You homo or something?”
More importantly, some of my partners have been very worried about it. After reading this article and the original one some months ago I am forced to conclude that everyone needs to chill the fuck out.
Report this comment
This is just a thank you for writing this, because that paragraph about how your previous partner wanted to make you come for the sake of his own masculinity was just what I needed to read. It’s been a while since I’ve experienced that feeling, but even now almost two years later I know that is exactly what I experienced. I felt guilty when I didn’t orgasm because it crushed his self-esteem, and now I feel nothing more than disgust for his earnestness for pleasuring me for the sake of his own ego. In my case it wasn’t just about the orgasm; if he couldn’t make me feel good at all, he felt bad. My pleasure became about him is some bass-ackwards way. I now have the words to describe the reasons for the resentment, so thanks.
Report this comment
YES. I still don’t know how to have an orgasm but I’m well aware that focusing on that goal to the detriment of actual enjoyment is not the way forward. As it is, I enjoy sex just fine. But unfortunately, my abusive ex did not see it this way and the pressure was there throughout our relationship. It was a horrible time. No matter how many different things he came up with that would supposedly help me get there, he failed to consider that maybe I just didn’t want to do the same things as him, or didn’t want to do them at the times that he decided to do them.
I remember several years ago reading a thread on a sex work website, in which a client said that his girlfriend didn’t know how to orgasm, and appealed for advice. Lots of people came up with lots of different suggestions, but only one person said that maybe it would be better if he just held back and didn’t introduce this pressure for his girlfriend. I thought she was the voice of reason, but everybody ignored her.
Report this comment
I was unable to have an orgasm for a long time and felt really worried about it, that I would never have a normal relationship, no-one would love me, I’d never enjoy sex, and all the other things that a lot of people reading this post can probably relate to. I’m really glad that you’re not berating yourself in the same way I was and that you’re out of that situation with your ex.
When I was unable to orgasm, I found the feminist discourse around sex incredibly alienating – it felt like it was all about women being empowered to have orgasms in the way they wanted, as much as they wanted, without taking account of women who couldn’t do this. I hope that by talking about this more, we can make women and men who don’t yet, or just don’t, orgasm, feel like there is nothing wrong with them.
Report this comment
I’m totally guilty of “the biggest reason he wanted to make me come was because he wanted to feel like he could”. I’ve always felt like a failure if she didn’t come. What an eye opener. I shall journey on with a better understanding having read this. Thank you.
Report this comment
I have never had an orgasm, primarily because I have intellectualised sex to the degree that I am am unable to become sufficiently absorbed in it. The other, and often more pressing issue here is that I have spent so long stamping my feet at gender inequality, specifically my own gender, that I have become deeply unattractive. Once engaged in conversation my gender predudice becomes rather transparent and
I myself come across as tedious, damaged and moribund. Since my recent health scare I have realised that these issues have been needlessly filling a hole in my life that would be better occupied with love and understanding. Noebody chooses their gender (not initially anyway) and most if not all of us are to some degree slaves to our relentlessly voracious DNA and its desire to replicate/ mutate. We are held hostage by this double helix and are vessels for its survival. Sometimes I feel as if all our emotional and intellectual sophistication is merely a protective veneer designed, ultimately to allow us to raise our offspring carefully in any given environment. I have made a promise to myself to reject all this introspection and do what makes me happy which is to love and cherish the man in my life.
Report this comment
Thanks for the article. I have never had a problem with having an orgasm, I don’t really care if I do or not, like you I enjoy getting to the orgasm (or not) is the best part, I love the teasing and everything about good sex. This is why masterbation is so much less satisfying to me, I can orgasm in 5 minutes, what’s the fun in that?
My ex also had this issue with orgasm, every single time we had sex he would ask if I came, and it didn’t matter how many times I told him that it wasn’t important. It sucked, no wonder we lie about this…
Report this comment
Another sub here. While the feeling of the orgasm is wonderful, I can’t help but feel a sense of loss afterwards. Like, everything we’ve been doing has been leading up to this moment, and now all of a sudden, it’s gone. I’d much rather experience everything and then curl up with him, than experience the abrupt end that an orgasm brings. For me, my favorite part of sex is the way my husband pushes my limits. Like, as soon as I feel like it’s too much, he reels it back a bit. I’ve never had to ask him to stop or use a “safe word” because he’s in tune with me enough to know. And when he does reel back at just the right moment, it makes it more intense and emotional because I know that even after 10 years, he still knows exactly what I need/want, even when I may not.
Report this comment
Orgasms – eh. I can have them, now, on my own; it takes forever, though, and isn’t that much fun. I have had them occasionally with partners, but only occasionally and only when I wasn’t trying.
And for so many years I was having sex without orgasm – so the entire sexual process became the fun part for me.
I actually had a wonderful experience right as I was getting introduced to BDSM. My top was a lovely man who, because of the medications he took, could not orgasm even if he had an erection, and I, the bottom, was at that point in my life also anorgasmic. We each had a great time with eachother without the pressure of one or the other of us orgasming – we just had fun.
And really, shouldn’t it just be fun?
Report this comment
Thank you for this article. I too struggle to reach orgasm and can count on one hand the times I have managed to orgasm without the help if a vibrator. My boyfriend is also close to an-orgasmic, rarely having an orgasm and never bring able to orgasm through intercourse. However we both really enjoy sex. An orgasm isn’t the only pleasurable feeling from sex, and while it its nice, there is so much more.
Report this comment
Another sub here, it took me YEARS of masturbation to figure out what an orgasm was. For a long time I thought I was having them until one night BOOM. There it actually was. I always feel the pressure that some previous commenters have mentioned, that you need to orgasm to please your partner. Even when they are loving and understanding and all the good things I still feel that pressure. I think it comes with what Clarisse talks about in the need to perform your sex role. So thanks Clarisse for giving words to the frustrations that I too feel.
In my experience there has been a lot of partners viewing orgasms not as something to be given for others pleasure but as proof of their own sexual prowess so to sum up this rambling comment I agree that there is way too much pressure placed on the idea of orgasm=sexual win.
Report this comment
Ya know. It’s strange. I don’t think I have REALLY been orgasming. Not from myself or my boyfriend. I always feel obligated to have an orgasm. And it sucks.
Though. When I do fake one. It’s not just because I want to please him and make him feel acomplished (though that is a big factor), it’s also because I worry that if I take to long to have one (and I have had, what I consider to be, a few with him)that he will think me to much work and avoid sexual contact with me. And I shouldn’t have to be afraid of that. But I am. Cause I like the contact. I just don’t climax from it.
And I have been doing this for so long (over a year) that I don’t know how to say, “Hey guess what, all but maybe 5 of those orgasms I’ve had? They were fake.” Which I will probably never tell him. But I also don’t know how to teach him how to give me one cause I actually don’t know how to on my own (without a vibe or something). (Sorry TMI probably.) So… yeah. This sucks.
I totally understand why a lot of people would lie (didn’t before I had someone to lie to). And generally why every guy thinks he is amazing in bed when he actually isn’t.
Wish I could learn to stop catering to his ego and just not care, but it’s a bit difficult.
Report this comment