(story by Mir from WouldaCouldaShoulda.com – and you'll be glad you did.)
There's this app on Facebook that lets you donate your status for National Coming Out Day, and it changes your status to say something about how you stand with others for LGBT equality. I did it last year; I did it again this year. I don't know that my donated status is changing anyone's life, really. It seems like a small thing to do, and I don't usually "do" Facebook meme kinds of things, but I don't know, this is something I always feel like doing.
I try to imagine a world where people would hate me or discriminate against me just because I love my husband, and realize that's a reality for a lot of people, and it just makes me angry. Thinking about people using love as a justification for hate makes me stabby, which I realize has the potential to become an endless cycle of wrongness. But there it is. I believe the world needs more love. I believe hating people who love differently is counterproductive. And I want my kids to grow up smarter than I did.
It's funny, really—I grew up in a liberal household, and I never thought being gay was bad or wrong. I knew some people thought it was, but I had much more of a "whatever" attitude about it. That is, I did in theory. One year in high school I attended a summer program where I made a new friend. Carly (not her real name) and I clicked right away; her parents were divorced and she was staying with her dad for the summer, but slated to go back home to a different state when summer ended. But time went on and she decided she wanted to live with her dad for a while, and would be staying and coming to my school in the fall. Although we already spent a lot of time together, Carly was soon talking about how great it was that we could hang out together during the school year, too, and how glad she was that we'd met, and I started getting… uncomfortable.
It wasn't anything she did. Nothing she did overtly, anyway. Carly was still deep in the closet back then, and although a part of me knew that what was making me uncomfortable was that she clearly had a crush on me, I'm not sure I even had the vocabulary to talk about it that way, back then. No, back then, it was just "God, she's smothering me and being WEIRD."
School started and I already knew the school and had other friends there, but Carly was new and only knew me and a few others from our summer program. She wanted to eat lunch with me every day. She wanted to meet up between classes. And she wanted me to come over all the time. I started avoiding her, and finally there was a confrontation. I'd love to tell you I handled it like a mature adult (ha!), but I was 15 and not very mature. Basically I blew up at Carly one day and told her to get her own friends, stop glomming onto me and mine, and get a life. That was the end of our friendship.
For a while, anyway.
Look; I felt terrible about it almost immediately. But I also felt relieved. Yeah, I'd just ditched a perfectly nice person who barely knew anyone else, and I was pretty harsh with her, but she was acting all needy and strange, and c'mon, I wasn't her nanny. I went on with my life; she went on with hers. Our paths crossed occasionally. I remember snickering with a few friends at one point about the fact that Carly and Tommy (also not his real name) were apparently an "item," when it was clear to anyone with eyes that Tommy was as gay as they come. But there they were, kissing each other all the time. In public.
Sometime after we'd gone our separate ways for college, Carly got back in touch with me. She'd come out and was actually dating a friend of a friend. She was happy; I was happy for her. I remember asking her if she'd had a crush on me way back when, or was I imagining that things got weird. We had a long conversation about the whole thing and I apologized profusely for being such an insensitive bonehead about it at the time. She was very gracious about it. We stayed in touch sporadically for a while, then fell out of contact.
Facebook changed everything about staying in touch with people, though, and it wasn't long after I started playing around on there that Carly and I got back in touch. She's just moved halfway across the world to be with a woman who she says is the love of her life, and I think their story is wildly romantic. I'm so happy for both of them. I'm happy for Tommy, too—I've seen him in passing on Facebook, and it looks like he came out not long after Carly did. As an adult, I feel like I have a moral obligation to be as supportive of the Carlys and Tommys and everyone else as I can, seeing as how I was such a jerk as a teenager, even though I never thought of myself as anti-gay, I was mostly just awkward and dumb.
I talk to my kids about acceptance and differences and all of that, and I make sure to add, "And if you ever find yourself in a situation where someone likes you romantically and they're not the gender you're interested in, it's especially important to be kind even if you don't share those feelings." That's a step I missed, and I would take it back if I could.
So Happy National Coming Out Day, whether you or someone you love is coming out, or you just see today as a reminder that the world can always use more love and acceptance, and less judgment and jackassery.
Are you with me?
(Ain't Mir grand? Read more of her here.)
Are we with you? Hells yes.
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Having gone to Catholic schools all my life, I didnt really notice anyone back then as being ‘gay’.. though calling someone ‘gay’ was NOT a term of endearment. First time I know that I met someone who was, it was a friend of a friend in college. He was ‘out’ and obvious, but never said or did anything to make me feel uncomfortable (intentional or not, I dont know). And it was not uncomfortable to be in the same place, or in the same group of people, as he was. I believe, in this respect, that I was lucky to have had him as the first exposure to a homosexual man, as it made it out to be not a big deal. Thats how it has always been since.
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I know it’s probably not true, but I do not remember anybody who was gay in our high school. That can’t be true, can it? And yet, that’s how I remember it. But now there have been SEVERAL of my former classmates who have come out. I’d like to say I wouldn’t have given a rat’s you know what back then, but who knows. One of our classmates just brought his partner to our 20th reunion and everyone was lovely to him. We come from a pretty small, pretty conservative town, so I was proud of my classmates. I wasn’t sure how they would react since I don’t really know them that well anymore.
I dated a so-very-gay guy in college who was also very in the closet. It was so obvious to me and even though I was heartbroken when he broke up with me (even though I knew I still loved him!) I was thrilled that he trusted me enough to come out to me six months later.
So, yes, I’m with you.
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Thanks for the reminder about the Facebook app. Living in a small, conservative community, I frequently avoid the conversation altogether which is just as bad. So this is the kick in the pants to make clear how I really feel and donate my status.
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Acceptance for all – even when it makes me squirm. Yes, I’m in.
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I used to get upset about the inequalities suffered by those who are LGBT, but it was somewhat academic – until my children grew up and discovered their sexual orientations. Both identify as gay, and those inequalities that I used to have a an academic interest in are now brought home to me in a way that I doubt I would have experienced had I been gay. I am thoroughly angry about how our society denigrates and disenfranchises the LGBT community. My son in particular has suffered the intolerance our society has for homosexuality.
I really don’t understand how people can be so cruel. There is room enough in this world – in this country – for everyone to be who they are. For a country that was founded upon the rights of the individual, we have a poor track record of living up to that ideal.
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Thanks for sharing this, Bob. I’m so sorry to hear about your kids, and feel exactly the same way you do. You put it so eloquently, and I really appreciate it.
I’m sending lots of love your way from central Ohio. Hope you and your family feel it today and every day.
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Your kids are lucky to have you, Bob, though I’m so sorry your family has had to leran the hard way how much pointless hatred there is in the world.
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Your kids are so lucky to have you as their mom!! You will help them with lots of situations they will encounter in their lifetime.
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I was on the other end of that teenaged-straight-girl-drops-closeted-lesbian-friend-with-semi-secret-crush-on-her dynamic when I was 15. It hurt.
We got back in touch through FB, too, though indirectly. She’s not on FB, but I got her email from a mutual friend who is. We exchanged a few catching up messages and then we stopped. We didn’t broach the past, either of us, but it would have meant a lot to me if she had, even close to 30 years later, so I think you did a good thing.
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Thank you, Steph. Honestly, I cringe recounting my ignorance and (unintentional, but still) cruelty. But I would rather own up to it and try to make it right than pretend it didn’t happen.
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I was about 8, leaving for sleep-away camp the next day, and had a bad case of anticipatory home-sickness. This is NYC about 1972 (how’s that for speaking my truth), and my father decides we should take a walk in Central Park to spend some time together.
Little did we know we were walking right into what had to be one of the earliest Gay Pride Parades. I’m pretty sure I didn’t know what it was all about, and pretty sure sexuality hadn’t really entered into my frame of reference at that time. But I remember 2 things so clearly…
One, it was quite a party. Two, my father never judged it or commented on it in any way. We just walked with the parade for a while, enjoyed the parade and the spectacle (and I’m talking serious spectacle) and when we wound up at Bethesda Fountain we looked down and my father says to me “see those beautiful women down there? They’re all men.”
Again, no judgment, no explanation besides some men like to dress as women, just observation.
I think my father’s absolute absence of anything but complete acceptance that day has played a huge role in shaping the way I’ve looked at the world and the choices people do and don’t make for themselves since.
It’s years later, I’m a junior in H.S. (still in NYC) and a friend had come out as lesbian. No one (that I as aware of) thought twice about it…except for me as it turns out.
I remember when she decided to go to Smith, that I thought it was mistake. I was sure her being lesbian was a “phase” – I so clearly remember saying as much to other friends – and wondering why she’d pigeon-hole herself into that.
And so the open-minded 8 year-old had become the ignorant 17 year-old.
It wasn’t a phase. She’s still exactly who she was (at least in that respect) way back then. I don’t think I’ve seen her in 25 years, but I hear she’s happy and good.
She’ll always remind me of my own ignorance, and always be a marker of a lesson learned.
Getting past our own closed-mindedness, especially when we don’t think we’re closed-minded, isn’t always a walk in the park.
Thanks for another great story, Mir.
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Seth – I absolutely loved this entire comment. Beautiful. (Also? Your Dad sounds amazing!)
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What Megan said. Team Seth’s Dad!
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Definitely with you. Love=Love.
My first husband revealed his desire for gender reassignment surgery after a year and a half of our marriage, and I’d like to say that I handled that well, but….not really. I get the regret and sadness for punishing a nice person. I didn’t want to be married to a woman, but I could have been a lot nicer about it.
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Wow, that sounds like a really difficult situation to be gracious in. Have you been able to talk about it since then? Have you ever gone back and said, “Hey, I wish I’d handled it differently”?
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I recently had a conversation with my 11 yo son about this. He had a tendency to throw the gay word around a lot; “This or that is so gay.” I told him that I was pretty sick of hearing him throw that word around in the manner that he did. I reiterated (we had previously had the gay, lesbian, etc conversation) what it means to be gay and that his use of the word was essentially saying something was stupid and that I would not tolerate that. I told him that I have several friends that were gay and every time he used that term it felt just like he was putting them down. I don’t believe he has ever KNOWN somebody was gay. That day he asked me who I knew that was. One of my friends that is a lesbian is one of his favorite people. I have not heard him throw that word around since.
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I’m high-fiving you for this, virtually. Sounds like you’ve got a great kiddo there, too.
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I like the statement someone made above – there is enough room for everyone. I always want to say, “Lighten up!” to people. God created people the way they are, all of us. And I don’t think God makes mistakes, so there is definitely room for all of us. It makes the world prettier, all those extra colors in the rainbow.
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What I have never understood is how it can matter to someone what someone else is doing? Does it directly damage you in some way? No? Then how can this matter to you so much? We live in a country where no rights should be denied to ANY person for ANY reason.
I’m with you!
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I hate it when you make me cry with your nice posts.
Ok, I don’t totally hate it. I hate it a little because I actually put on mascara this morning and now its all smeary and I hate that. And I have to fix it.
But you? You, I love. (But not in that crushing out on, awkward way. My wife and I have been married for almost 9 years.) Thanks for being such a great ally and role model, and for sharing the embarrassing stories where you weren’t quite perfect at it.
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I heart you, Liza. (And Jill, too. Who I haven’t even met. But who must be awesome because you are.)
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Weirdly although I was raised in a very conservative sect – one that has recently been in the news for less-than-loving actions towards LGBT people and their (very reasonable) requests for basic rights – I somehow entirely missed being uncomfortable with gays. I mean, I was all KINDS of judgy about other things – most of them stupid and meaningless and utterly NOT MY BUSINESS – but I seem to have missed the Sunday school lesson on how righteous it is to repress or hate people with different ways of expressing love.
I hung out with the theatre geeks and music nerds mostly in high school so had several friends who were either openly out or were very close to being so. We rarely talked about their sexuality or mine (I wasn’t allowed to have one so heck I didn’t have much to say anyway).
Looking back I have no doubt that a couple of my friends were harassed, particularly two really lovely boys, but I didn’t ask about that, and that’s where I think I failed. It wasn’t enough just to NOT be a jerk, as a friend I should have been more active in defending the people I cared about.
As an adult I feel strongly enough about this issue that, after years of being quietly non-attending in the religion my parents raised me in, I made the decision to actually resign because I did not want to be affiliated, even only in name, with an institution that would behave the way that one had. It wasn’t an easy decision as I knew my resignation would deeply hurt my parents (which is why I hadn’t done it before), but I still believe it was the right one.
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Thank you for sharing this, Megan. And for standing up for what you believe.
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LOL. At least you were worldly enough to know something was different. I would like to say I would have handled it better, but the truth is I would not have handled it at all! Decades ago,I was 19 and had been living on my own for 2 years. I moved to the big city far away from the small town where I grew up. I did not even know what the word Lesbian meant had to ask my roommate. I knew there was homosexuality, but never was exposed to it, and certainly knew absolutely nothing about it.
Needless to say it was a great shock to me when my roommate/friend explained to me she was not just sleeping at other girl’s houses because she had had to much to drink. I truly thought she was just responsible and would not drink and drive! After this disclosure she still did not bring her girlfriends to our apartment overnight as she was afraid this info had scarred me for life!
It is quite funny now as I am a huge supporter of all sexual orientations. I have come along way since then but must admit that first year in Atlanta really opened my eyes!
LH
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All we need is love
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Mir, Think about what you wrote, only make it a boy, instead of a girl. Would you have behaved differently? I think, probably not. It’s hard to be in that weird dynamic where you kinda know someone likes you and you like being their friend, but don’t like them in the same way. Now imagine you’re in that weird dynamic when you’re a teenager and EVERYTHING is a weird dynamic. Yeah, I know you just wrote it. My point is, I don’t think you really would’ve acted any differently, boy or girl. I think you handled it the way most of our 15yo selves would have. And maybe, because you were afraid it was partly to do homophobia it stuck w/you more than not.
I grew up in Silicon Valley. In high school, we had a very openly gay group of guys (about 8 of them, I think). I never thought much of it, but I’ll bet they got the crap beat out of them at times. We also had something like 6 girls obviously pregnant & attending high school my freshman year. I didn’t think much of that either. My mother was horrified by both, and by the fact that I thought all of those things were just fine.
I am of the belief that if it promotes love, it’s good. I’m teaching my kids the same.
I’ve been a
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I feel like I’ve always been open-minded, but hate to admit that IF I’d been in the same situation as you at that age, I probably would have been just as much of a jerk about it. But I think as teens, we’re (most of us) still ill-equipped to deal with a lot of situations (such as seriously depressed friends, exposure to drugs, etc).
Now I’m old enough I’d actually be rather flattered, and would have to decline very gently.
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