(submitted by Guest Contributor Mir from Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda)
As a blogger, I get a lot of pitches about a lot of nonsensical things. I get pitched multi-hundred-dollar face creams at my bargain shopping blog (which part of bargain was confusing, do you suppose?) and I get pitched crazy exercise gear at my personal blog, where I have often waxed philosophical about how I believe running is appropriate only if you're being chased. The point is that I'm no stranger to receiving pitches about things that are irrelevant to me. I'm not even that surprised when I'm offended by them, even.
But this week really took the cake. Mother's Day is coming up, you know. You know that because there's been no shortage of commercials letting you know that if you really loved your mother (or the mother of your children), you dumb men, you would buy her something wonderful. I'm not even going to touch how I feel about these campaigns or how they paint the world as a hetero-normative land filled with knuckle-dragging menfolk who cannot be trusted to buy flowers without help. (I mean, except for that sentence right there, of course.) What I want to talk about is the email I received letting me know that after a national survey, a group of plastic surgeons determined that two out of three women would like a "mommy makeover" for Mother's Day—a tummy tuck, breast augmentation, and breast lift combo.
Yes, nothing says, "Thank you for raising up the next generation" like an unnecessary trio of major surgeries designed to bring you closer to society's ideal of what sexy looks like!
There's not enough salt in the world for me to take those results with; when a group of plastic surgeons goes polling, no one is surprised to discover that they found people who wanted plastic surgery. Nor am I even surprised that there's a hearty contingent of women who would opt for such modification cheerfully. This isn't a new story or some sort of shift in the fabric of our society. Sadly, women have been receiving the "please look like an 18-year-old virgin but secretly act like a sex-crazed wildcat" message for more years than I've been around. That's not what's got me riled.
No, what bothers me about this is the notion that gifting someone an appearance-altering surgery (or three) is a good Mother's Day gift. Surgery isn't a good gift, people. I mean, I kind of want Lasik, but I would find it disturbing to receive it as a gift forany occasion, much less a day supposedly designated to celebrate what I do for my spawn. And Lasik is arguably a functional surgery, and one that doesn't require general anesthesia. Even if I thought tummy tucks and boob jobs were super-awesome (for the record, I really don't), they just seem a little too personal (not to mention risky) to be good gifts, y'know?
Here's some ideas for what would make good Mother's Day gifts:
1) Saying thank you.
2) Doing something nice for the mother in question, particularly if she's the sort of person who tends to put everyone else's needs first.
3) Giving said mother some time off from her usual hectic schedule.
4) All of the above.
Here are some bad ideas for Mother's Day gifts:
1) Surgery.
2) Sending the message that pregnancy ruined her body.
3) Boobs that you want.
It's true that pregnancy, childbirth and several years of nursing my children changed my body. It's also true that age has changed my body. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I am somehow objectively more attractive now after time and pregnancy had their way with me; pre-gravity-affected me was hot, and sometimes I miss her. But. But. I'm comfortable in my own skin, probably moreso than I ever was back when my body was "better." And on Mother's Day, the very last thing on my mind is whether or not I'm "hot enough."
(Because I totally am, without surgery. Thanks.)
Would you have cosmetic surgery like this if it was gifted to you? Is this somehow appropriate for Mother's Day and I'm just being a feminist curmudgeon?
So true. And even while I am self-conscious about what my 10 lb babies did to my abdominal skin, the WORST response to my saying something is “well there’s always surgery…” I am not entirely sure what I want the response to be (I have eyes, I realize it’s unattractive and unfixable without surgery), but the correct response is definitely NOT THAT.
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I would be furious if my husband gave me surgery of any kind for a gift. Just furious.
I’m also very sentimental about mother’s day and the like. I don’t need to be showered with gifts and flowers. I just want a chance to sleep in for an hour and not have to cook breakfast or dinner.
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I am with you – but suppose that’s what the mom in your life really wants? I guess you need to consider the person you are giving to, right? I have a friend who had been “blessed” with double D’s, and they caused her nothing but trouble – backaches, etc. She spent years saving for surgery, and was thrilled when her husband and family came up with the last $500 as a gift one year.
Definitely not my thing – but I guess we all want different things, right?
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Mar, I guess I see breast reduction as a completely different thing; every woman I know who’s done that (or wanted it) had health problems related to having such a large bosom. It wasn’t “I want surgery to look more awesome” but “I want surgery so that my back stops hurting.”
Same body part, totally different impetus!
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My FIL is a surgeon (not a plastic one, more of a “gut doctor” as my husband puts it,) & he says the people who are the least happy after surgery are the people who get those lap bands. “Because, for most of them, the reason they overate wasn’t resolved.” The ones who are the happiest? “By far, the breast reductions.”
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Neither of these factoids surprise me in the slightest. Thanks for sharing!
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I think you said it well. Seriously, all I want is some time to relax and some good quality time with my kids and my mom. I never want anyone to suggest to me to get surgery much less as a gift. If I chose to (which I don’t think I ever would), that’s different. But not a gifting type of thing.
I really wish people would take ownership of themselves in general – be happy in their skin. Own their actions.
I wish I had understood when I was 17 and weighed what I thought was ‘heavy’ compared to my friends that I was truly pretty awesome and that now that weight is unrealistic. I’m okay with that. I love me now. This body has given me two kids I love so much. Rambles for another day…
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To each his own I suppose, but my husband knows better. There would be consequences. Of some sort of dire nature! If ever I was given ANY surgery as a gift.
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Surgery as a gift is just wrong! That said, I don’t like the idea of any sort of surgery. I can’t imagine willingly undergoing the knife.
I’m also rather unsentimental about Mothers day. I’d just like not to cook dinner. No giftsvrequired. I think it’s awesome that my kids are both (BOTH!!) going camping that weekend with the church youth group. Some parents, mostly moms, are unhappy, but not me! DH and I get to have a night alone.
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I couldn’t agree with you more, Mir. As always.
For me, a perfect Mother’s Day gift would be one where my hubby and kids take care of the household logistics (meals, kitchen cleaning, laundry, etc., etc.) for a full day without any prompting or help from me. Hey, a girl can dream!
As my second child’s birthday always falls on Mother’s Day weekend, what I actually receive is the privilege of hosting not one but TWO parties in the little stinker’s honor (one with school friends, one with extended family) with all of the attendant logisticizing house-cleaning, baking, and general fuss that makes me cranky.
Next weekend, I’m headed to NYC with my bestie from college to make up for it.
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Who says that your post-child-bearing body is not as attractive as your pre-child-bearing body?
Beauty cannot be defined, it truly is in the eye of the beholder. Including your own eyes.
Don’t be comfortable in your body. See the beauty in who you are. Recognize that those stretch marks were the result of bringing life into this world and that is beautiful. Recognize that those grey hairs are the result of years of experience in being you and the wisdom that that brings – and that is beautiful. Recognize that the wrinkles are the result of living life – of laughing, worrying, and crying – the result of loving others. And that is beautiful.
Being a size 4 or size 8 – or size 0 isn’t beautiful. Nor is a D cup, or a double-D cup – or an A cup. Having Firm, wrinkle-free skin is not in itself beautiful.
Beauty is being who you are and loving who you are. Beauty is within us all.
Acknowledge it and be beautiful.
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For once, I wish every page had the “like” comment! Bob, you are a wise man.
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Bravo.
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Preach it, Bob!
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Bob, have you been sitting in on my body image workshops? I’m a short pear shaped woman who feels just as sexy as when I was short and OMG! I appreciate every moment in my worn-lifelike body. I’m proud of every wrinkle, sag, curve, bulge, tilt, protrusion, and flat butt I have. It’s me. It’s the only me that I’m going to look at in the mirror for the rest of my life. I’ve earned every bit of me.
Anyone of you, surgery for a gift? If I weren’t diabetic, I’d give you my kidney. That’s the only surgery I think should be done as a gift after long and careful consideration.
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Bob, thank you. Not sure why it means so much more to me that the comment is from a man but it does.
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I wish this actually had a “love” option. Said both beautifully and poetically. I wish all men and women alike could internalize your comment, Bob. The world is a much better place for having people like you to elaborate on beauty the way you did. Kind, wise words— A wonderful advanced Mother’s Day gift, indeed! Thanks
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Talk about mixed messages: pregnancy is beautiful and natural; let us fix what it did to your body. Fan-freakin-tastic
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I grew up in our country’s arguably most superficial city (Miami), and even I was shocked by radio ads over Valentine’s Day advising men to get their wives/girlfriends plastic surgery for the holiday — specifically, vaginal rejuvenation!
My husband and I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day beyond a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and sympathy cards (long story), but even if we did, I would probably kick him in the face if he ever thought that vaginal rejuvenation was a viable gift for ANY occasion!
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Nope, surgery is not a gift item. I have no kids, small boobs and would like for them be be larger, but I don’t really see myself going thru all that pain and risk just to look, as you said, like what “society” says is sexy. I’m having my parents and grandparents over for a family BBQ.
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I’m in the surgery is “waaay too personal for a gift” camp. And the “I love the way Bob thinks!” camp.
I agree that the best Mother’s Day gifts are the appreciative, thoughtful ones. The best one I ever received was that my husband took our 1 year old daughter to his mother’s house for the day and I stayed home to take a long, hot bath, read the paper, eat a leisurely breakfast (A whole meal without pauses!) and relax. I will never forget it!
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That’s my favorite Mother’s Day gift. My husband takes the children and leaves. It’s become a running joke.
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I’m going to step out on a limb here…I’ve ALWAYS wanted my thighs done and my husband knows it. If he offered me the gift of surgery for Mother’s Day I’d take it in a HEARTBEAT.
I’ve always been self-conscious about my thighs, it’s about them rubbing together when you wear a swimsuit and chafing ’til they are RAW, it’s about how clothes that don’t fit. It would truly be a gift from him…not an insult. I think you have to know the intent of the giver before you judge.
Want to talk about gifts I don’t want for Mother’s Day or my birtday? “Romantic” evenings – we know who that’s for!
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Valid points, Nelson’s Mama. I just… I dunno. Isn’t surgery a last resort? You force me to consider that yes, this may really be okay with the gifter and the giftee, but still, I’m left wondering if there isn’t a better, less risky way.
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Here’s the thing. If this is a stated desire, if your husband knows for absolute sure that you’re interested in surgery, and that the gift would allow you to reach a goal you’ve expressly set – ok, good gift. But said husband does not need advertising to get him there. If the ad gives him the idea – the gift is wrong.
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Well, I weigh about 118 pounds and if I drop much more it all comes from the waist up. Granted, I’m not hung up about my nonexistent boobs, but at my age, I’m beginning to look a little gaunt in the face – but those thighs – they just keep hanging in there.
It’s all a moot point though, with one in college and another on the way, the money for fixing my thunder thighs is a dream, that’s why I said if my husband offered the gift I’d jump at the chance!
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What if the surgery offered was some kind of mute button that could be installed on the children? ‘Cause that would be kinda awesome…
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HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA. Bingo.
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10 points to Gryffindor!
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The ONLY time I can see surgery as a gift is this: hubby asks wife what she wants for x event and wife says tummy tuck (kids are done, etc). I actually know someone who did this, and, well, whatever she wants, right? Of course, then she went in for the consultation and found out she was pregnant, so that’s gonna have to wait a while now. As for me, while there was a while after my first child that I thought a boob life might be a good thing (eventually), I have found that a smaller mirror in my bathroom helps with that weakness. (Not to mention my hubby’s assurances that it is not what he wants.)
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I will sign up for those surgeries when the men start lining up for hair implants, face lifts, tummy tucks (yes, you too, “boys,” can have undesirable abdomens and you can’t even blame childbirth!), love handle liposuction and other surgical “repairs” so that they will appear more “sexy” to me.
Also: I think I’m in love with Bob.
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Though my boobs are little, I’ve never wanted them augmented. I’ve always had a big, poochy tummy though, even back when I was a skinny kid (and it’s of terrifying proportions now).
However, I still have a young child dependent on me and don’t care to take the risks of major surgery (even if I had the money) just for my self-image gratification.
And I still remember the days when a woman of near-50, like myself, was EXPECTED to look a little plump, matronly, gray and grandmother-ly. Now we’re all supposed to look like that 18-year-old virgin you mentioned. Pfagh!
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I think plastic surgery (as long as it’s from a certified top notch doctor) is an awesome gift. It’s literally the one thing I couldn’t buy for myself.
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hmmm, don’t think I would take that gift. I am a “fluffy” woman…yeah that’s what we call it Nova Scotia…lol…I am quite happy in this body…it’s what the good Lord gave me and what I live with. That being said, I’ve always told hubby I didn’t need a boob lift…..just a “nipple” lift….the boobs are good, just the dam nipples decided they like the look of my feet….not the sun….sigh..
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Roberta, you crack me up!
Perhaps a fancy bra-fitting is in order???
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I pretty much agree with you, BUT!!!…you knew there was a but in here, right?
See I felt that way about all that stuff till I gained weight from drugs (steroids) for healing after a surgery. I have gained more since, last doc told me it was bc I was over 40 & was going to have to fight hard to get it off (diet AND exercise). I’m not comfortable in this body, AT ALL. I think it has a lot to do w/the initial gain of 20 lbs occurring over a two week period. I’ve since gained an additional 20, partly related to medications that I’m taking. I’m fighting an uphill battle here. So, if there was a way to easily get this off of me & was guaranteed not to come back? I’d be all over that. I don’t think a surgery can guarantee that, so yeah. Losing it should also make some of my related issues better if not go away, so I’d be in it for the fact that I could move better & feel better.
The happiest I’ve ever been in my skin: when I was pregnant. Love the way I felt & looked. If it wasn’t for the pesky side effect of having a kid I’d pop them out yearly!
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I hear you… and I agree about feeling best in my own skin while pregnant. Pretty much the only time society allows us to to feel pretty no matter what we look like, huh?
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In between divorce and remarriage, I dated. In an email to one fellow, I bemoaned that my post-three-pregnancy belly would never be flat. His response?
“Nonsense! Those curves are well-earned sensuality, soft pillow for my lips.”
(Yes, I memorized it. No, he’s not the one who became my second husband. My second husband is EVEN BETTER, if you can imagine! But I may still have his email address, if anyone’s interested…
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