(story by Mir from Woulda Coulda Shoulda)
So I told you a while ago that I took my daughter to see The Vagina Monologues, and even though it was slightly uncomfortable, I thought it was important. When we saw it back in February, I was totally gung-ho about auditioning for the show for next year, but life tends to get in the way, you know? Auditions are coming up soon. I'd thought (more than once) that I really just don't have time to take this on, right now.
But I have a daughter. I have a teenage daughter and she adores me one minute and hates me the next. She's looking to me for guidance and pushing me away, and despite how busy I've been, and how I keep thinking that maybe next year I'll be less busy, a nagging thought in the back of my head has said "Do it now."
Maybe it's related, maybe it's not, but yesterday my daughter was subjected to sexual harassment at school. Yesterday my 13-year-old was SEXUALLY HARASSED at her MIDDLE SCHOOL. Take a moment with that, if you will.
We're dealing with it. The administration is dealing with it. I'm confident it will all be taken care of in an appropriate manner, and she's okay, but the biggest hurdle in all of this is that she's terrified of the backlash from being "a tattletale." Because the kids involved were "just horsing around" and "kids will be mad that I got them in trouble."
After spending half my day dealing with that with her—talking with her, talking with the administration, deciding how to proceed, contacting some other parents—a memory came to me, unbidden: I was a freshman in high school and walking down the hall, and it must've been during classes because the hall was empty. Maybe I was on my way to the bathroom? I'm not sure. Anyway, the hallway was empty, save for one kid walking towards me who I didn't know. We passed each other, and a second later, his arm reached between my legs from behind and cupped my crotch for a moment before being withdrawn. I stopped and turned, and got a glimpse of the boy laughing and strutting around the nearest corner.
I told. And while I don't know what would happen in that scenario today, I can tell you what happened when I reported it in 1985: I was asked if I knew the boy's name, and I said I didn't, to which the response was then, "Well, then there's really nothing we can do." So nothing was done, other than that I never again walked through the halls of that school without looking around and maybe running a little.
I forgot about it, mostly, because the implication was that if I couldn't hand over a name and maybe a photograph, it hadn't happened. And really, I was okay, so I was just being difficult to expect anything more, right? I let it go.
When my daughter called me for help today, I made sure to tell her that I was really proud of her for standing up for herself. I made sure to tell her that she did not deserve that treatment, and that whether or not the kids involved believed they were behaving inappropriately, they were. I made sure to tell her that she was brave.
And then she started worrying about people being mad at her for telling, and that's when I remembered the hallway and being dismissed, all those years ago, after a boy had grabbed me against my will. So that's when I told her to get mad. She should be mad that she was mistreated, and if anyone else has a problem with that, she should be mad at them, too. This is about knowing and owning what you're entitled to and what's okay, I told her. Society wants you to believe you should feel bad for getting people in trouble even when they're the ones doing something wrong, because "good girls" just stay silent. You're supposed to let them get away with it if they say that they were "just kidding;" that's how people who want to get along with everyone would play it. Don't. Don't do it, I told her. I'm mad, I told her. You can be mad, too. Let's stay mad until this gets dealt with, because it's not okay and we're not going to let anyone say it is.
So I'll be going to that audition in a couple of weeks. I am desperately hoping I get to read the "My vagina is angry" monologue.
Do you get mad? If not, do you think that's a good thing or a bad thing?
(read more Mir here.)
Good on you for letting your daughter know she has the right to get mad. In middle school I was subject to quite a bit of sexual harassment and the recurring theme was that I was being too sensitive and needed to relax about it. I didn’t have parents that backed me, they were old school “boys will be boys” types and assumed I was somehow bringing it on myself. The lesson I learned is that I didn’t have a right to bodily autonomy and it took me a long time to unlearn it. You are teaching your daughter much better lessons. I’m glad the school is taking it seriously as well. Best wishes to you both.
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The situation that you described happened to me too, except it was in 8th grade art class, and while I did tell the art teacher, she laughed at me and wouldn’t allow me to change seats. (The offender was assigned a seat at the same table as me). I was subjected to it the rest of the semester and I just sucked it up, and like you, never felt truly comfortable again. Good for you for standing up for Chickie!
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Hell yeah, Mama. Hell yeah.
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I don’t think I can say it any better than Liz did.
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Ditto.
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And THIS, right here, is how we begin as a culture to STOP this crap. We tell our youngsters to get hella mad and to stand up for themselves. We tell our kids that we will have their backs. That we will believe them.
Your daughter will grow up to be one of the people who sees a wrong and RIGHTS IT right away. She will not stand by and let abuse or misuse happen.
You’re making her stronger.
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Go Mama!!!
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These types of things happened to me in high school. Regularly. My issue was that I was raised to believe that boys will be boys and that I was probably doing something to make them act that way toward me. I was mad at the boys at the time, but still meekly didn’t rat them to the authorities. What would have happened had I taken action? I can’t begin to speculate at any sort of results.
But there seems to be a prevalence of protecting the perpetrators at the expense of the victims in this country and I don’t understand it. We, the adults, should be listening to the kids and standing with them. This sort of harassment or molestation should not go on happening without consequences and adult reputations be damned.
Hell, yes, I get mad, and my kids know that I will get mad for them and with them. I will not have my kids feeling as if they are alone in dealing with inappropriate behavior.
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Get Angry and Get Loud.
Behaviour will not be altered unless someone tells… and if nobody tells, whatever happened WILL happen again.
Good Job Mama Bear!
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I had a proud moment the other day when all three generations of my family (grandmother, in her 70′s, me in my 40′s, daughter in her 10′s, of varying levels of education and upbringings) all, without vacillation said we were feminists.
I’m raising my daughter to be a “sanctimonious” feminist and to stand up for what makes her happy and against what makes her unhappy (even if boys will be boys).
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I was 16. I’d begged my father to pay $200 for me to take “model shots” from a local photographer. The man came to my house. And groped me while my father and sisters sat in the next room. I never said anything to them (although the next day I did tell the man I wanted the money back b/c I disliked his actions). He laughed and told me if I hadn’t “wanted it” I should have never invited him into my home (let alone my bedroom. At 16. With the door closed. To take pictures). Just typing that makes me feel like an idiot. I never said a word. I also never got the photos.
Good for you, Mir, for having Chickadee’s back. Outside of any mother daughter I love you/I hate you goings on, being there for her in a situation like this, letting her know that she is worth every ounce of anger she can muster b/c she is worth it, is ultimately what we’re here for.
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quite love the way you’ve said this, Arnebya…”letting her know she is worth every ounce of anger she can muster b/c she is worth it…”.
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I’m angry right now, reading this. But I am so happy that you are the kind of Mama Bear who let her daughter know that she did the right thing, and that it’s okay to be ANGRY. It’s only when NO victim of harassment of abuse feels fear at coming out and reporting the abuse that our work will be done.
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There was an incident with my daughter in the lunch room in kindergarten — KINDERGARTEN — that we took straight to the Principal and VP. So go Mamma Bear, go. Anger is a much better response than the embarrassment which can come along with these situations.
I was completely gratified with the way the school took it seriously and handled it appropriately and with a lot of support for my girl. It was great to see the male principal and the female VP telling her she was right to talk to us about it and it was right for us to call them, what the boys did was inappropriate and wouldn’t be tolerated at school, etc. I even was gratified the way one of the families of one of the boys handled it (after a family discussion he decided to call my daughter and apologize himself) — though we never heard anything from the other boy.
The nice thing that came from that incident is that my daughter is very good about expressing herself, she knows she can come to us with anything and she also looks out for others who might not speak up for themselves.
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So cool you were there for her. I agree, get mad!
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YES! Get and stay Angry Chickie!! You are right. No one has the ability to treat you in that manner – ever!! Go Mama!!
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You go Mama Bear and if anyone dare get mad at Chickadee about this let her know that each and every one of us who read your blogs will come to her school and tell these kids they are dead wrong. SEXUALLY HARASSED will not be tolerated any more and it will take all of us to stand up and GET MAD and educate these kids and our own kids. GET MAD Chickadee, GET MAD……….
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Rosa Parks (yes, Chickie, remember Rosa Parks?) gave a righteous NO. Jerry Sandusky says he was just “horsing around.” And Edmund Burke said “all that is required for evil to prevail is for good men [and women] to do nothing.” There is a time for righteous anger, and sometimes it is the only way things change. Some things are worth standing up for, and certainly one’s personal safety and reputation is in that realm. I wish I’d known that when that 8th grade boy ran by and grabbed my crotch.
Yes, I get righteously angry. It’s a requirement for ethical living.
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Where the hell are boys of any age learning that it’s okay to grab someone else’s crotch?! Reading through these comments and hearing how common this seems to be is making me extremely angry, and I’m not even sure who I’m supposed to be angry with right now. The boys themselves, yes, because they are old enough to know better, but…seriously? This is a thing?
Mir, I am so glad you told Chickie to get mad and stay mad. She needs to learn that when people do something wrong, THEY got themselves in trouble. She didn’t do anything wrong, and these boys need to learn TODAY that whatever is going on? Is not right and is not to be tolerated. Ever again.
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If the people who knew what was going on at Penn State over the years had gotten mad and spoken up to the right people (the police, hello?!), more boys would have been spared sexual abuse by Sandusky…
To Mir and Chickie – go get ‘em and I’m glad you’re mad!!!!!!
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Go Chickie!! I don’t know how I would have handled a situation when I was in middle school in 1997-2000, but I don’t know that I would have been brave enough to stand up for myself like you did. So so so proud of you! (And of Mir, bc your Mom must have taught you pretty well to know to stand up for yourself!)
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My instinct has always been to get MAD if someone invades my personal space in a threatening way. I’ve always thought that if I were the victim of an attempted rape or home invasion or whatever (and may it never happen), I would be so pissed off I could do some damage. I think if one has a proprietary sense of her self and her body, anger is an appropriate and natural reaction. Good on ya for teaching Chickadee well.
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Yes. YES.
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I am furious for Chickie and you. My daughter will be going into 6th grade next year and is quite developed for her age. Which, I’m sure, will only draw more attention from the boys. The idea of something like this happening to her scares the crap out of me. Your post will have me sitting down with her again and going over what is acceptable and what is not. And reinforcing the fact that I have her back and she shouldn’t stand for inappropriate behavior from anyone.
And I agree with Michele…if anyone gets upset with her for speaking up, each and every one of us who read your blogs will come to her school and tell these kids they are dead wrong. We got your back!
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What is more telling to me than anything is that Chickie knew she could call you and you would fix it. She knew you would believe her and back her up. When I taught jr. high in the 90′s, this kind of crap happened (made me crazy) and I can’t tell you how many girls didn’t want to tell their moms because they knew mom wouldn’t believe them. It was so sad. One more reason why I love reading your blog.
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This is pretty much why you are my parenting hero. Chickie is brave and so are you. Way to hit a homerun, Mir. Don’t rest until you both get the results you want and that you deserve.
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So proud of Chickie for standing up. I was harassed at a basketball game as a cheerleader, told the principal who was standing 3 feet away and nothing came of it. I know schools are getting better, but we need brave kids like Chickie to stand up for what is right. Sad that she has to do it and sad that she had to deal with it. Hugs to you both.
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I was in 7th grade and endured 3 boys who grabbed my crotch from behind daily for almost an entire year. Once it began it never stopped. I was too ashamed to tell my parents after I told my teacher and she responded with : Boys are just like that. They were just “horsing around” and “if I didn’t egg them on” it would stop. I was “too sensitive”.
I am so proud of Chickie and her mom too! I think it’s such a wondeful thing that she knew she could tell you and you would have her back. That speaks volumes to your relationship and the way you are raising your children. Get MAD, stay MAD until something is done. It’s hard to be brave, but it’s the only way to fully LIVE your life! Love to you both.
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Yes, yes and yes you should get angry and stay angry until things have been dealt with appropriately. Teach Chickadee (and her friends and classmates, both male and female) that it is not right to accept, to keep quiet and let inappropriate behaviour slip by.
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Good for you. And good for your daughter for telling you. This absolutely shouldn’t happen.
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Resolve, be it angry or calm. Kids will be jerks, adults will be worse. She cannot be made to feel like it is something she has to endure.
My principal told me not to talk to the press about my rape (didn’t happen at school) because he didn’t want word to get out that a student from my school was a rape victim. Sullied the school, I guess.
I don’t know why violence is disciplined, foul language is disciplined, vandalism, theft, truancy and more are dealt with, but anything sexual is downplayed.
I have three daughters. Damn this country.
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I love all of you. ALL OF YOU. When I start losing hope in humanity, you always remind me that the apathetic do NOT inherit the earth. I’m so glad to know none of us is alone in this fight. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
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“The apathetic do not inherit the earth.” That’s amazing. As, of course, are you and yours.
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Yes. She did the right thing by telling. YOU did the right thing by standing up for her and beside her.
I was molested by my grandfather. I have blocked out the age. My grandma walked in on him kissing me in appropriately. Other things were done that she didn’t see. I told my parents. My sister was molested as well. It all came out. Nothing really was done about it. We still had to go to Thanksgiving and Christmas events like it’s all good. I have forgiven him. I even told him I forgave him on his death bed. But I didn’t figure out I was angry at my parents for not really standing up for us after my mom passed. I have since worked thorugh it and have let it go…. I think
So proud of both of you!
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If I’m half the mom you are when my girls hit 13, I will be doing something right.
You rock my world.
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I forgot in Jr. high my science teacher called me hot lips. I had him for part of 6th grade and all of 7th. He sent me to the office for something. I told the VP and apparently I wasn’t the only one the teacher was harrasing. He ended up getting fired. Not because of me but because apparently he called some girl a whore to her face. Among other things.
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My daughter (SECOND GRADE) was being walked to the office from her after school program by another couple of students. The boys thought it would be funny to play a joke on her and decided to pants her, meaning they tried to pull her shorts down. She was upset, like Chickadee, that they might get in trouble and be mad at her. I had a hard time not going through the roof on this one. We contacted the administration and they put a program in place that only kids of the same sex are able to walk the other kids to the office and the boys were expelled from the program. I experienced the same rage that you did, so I totally understand. I am sure the boys didn’t think they were doing anything wrong, but I’ll be damned if that was ever going to happen to my kid again.
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The same type of thing happened to me in middle school. A boy started out with threatening to rape me when we were on the bus. I was rattled, but I didn’t tell anyone. Later it escalated to him cornering me and grabbing my crotch. When that happened I told my parents. My father and mother went to a meeting with the school principal, and while I don’t know exactly what transpired, my father was apparently not satisfied with whatever action they intended to not take and involved the police. My father taught me how to knee someone in the crotch and throw a punch after the boy then tried to corner me in the gym and threaten me for telling.
A few months ago I saw the boy’s name being discussed on my high school reunion group on Facebook and curiosity got the better of me, so I googled him. He is in jail after being arrested for impersonating a police officer and raping two girls. I’m not saying that every idiot boy who grabs someone inappropriately is going to turn out a rapist. However, I think that the idea that it isn’t ok to engage in sexually harassing behavior, nor tolerate it should be instilled at an early age. I think that that incident in my life played a major role in how I view myself and the way I value myself. Kick ass and take names, Mir. Chickie is worth it.
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“Kick ass and take names”. Amazing. Seriously ladies (and gentlemen!) I’m writing down this advice for when it’s my turn to be a mama.
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Go, Momma Bear. And if anyone tries to brush it off with “They were just kidding around?” Tell them that outcome trumps intent every time.
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I sat next to a boy in 7th grade science class who regularly grabbed my crotch, telling anyone who saw that I liked it. Even when I repeatedly told him to stop, he felt completely fine about ignoring me. It amazes me that this was acceptable behavior. I’ve told my girls they can hit any boy who does anything like that, and if they tell me or their father, we will come looking for him and we’ll have a talk about “just kidding around.”
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You are an awesome mom. I think you should prep a 1-2 min segment of the angry vagina monologue, and when you show up at the audition, ask if you can read from that piece.
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I always thought I was the only one who was sexually harassed in middle school…reading all these stories makes me literally sick and angry at the same time (and yes, that is possible). So you get MAD Mir. Get mad for Chickadee. Get mad for your own middle school self. Get mad for all the other girls/boys this is happening/has happened to, and whom did not have anyone to stand up for them. Just GET MAD.
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This is craziness. I was twice molested in preschool (age 4!) by two other kids, once in elementary school where three boys grabbed me, threw me down and did the crotch-grabbing, then on an almost daily basis in 6th grade by groups of boys where they just grabbed everything, and on a weekly basis in 7th grade by the same, and harassed on the bus constantly during junior high. I didn’t ever know who they were. Not to mention other types of harrassment that weren’t necessarily sexual. I told my parents about some of the junior high harrassment but was so embarrassed by it that I didn’t go into much detail and didn’t tell them ALL the times it happened. They met with the dean of the middle school, but nothing happened because the other kids’ parents DIDN’T CARE, and I did get in trouble for fighting back one time. Of course, the one time I fought back, the teacher walks in and catches ME. My parents never told me to do anything about it, not get mad, not beat them till they bleed, nothing. Maybe they said to ignore it or something, whatever they said was so useless as to be not remembered. Maybe I’m still mad about that, and I’m 36! Good for you Mir, following up AND for telling her that HELL YES she SHOULD be mad. I wish my parents had had your aggressivness about my situations. I do make sure that I tell the girls in my family to beat somebody up if they touch you like that. You may get in trouble, but you can’t NOT defend yourself.
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I’m so sorry for your daughter and your family to go through this. Kudos to your daughter for being brave and kudos for you to stand up with her and that you instilled in her the backbone she definitely has! I can’t imagine how I’d feel if this happened to my daughter, but even more I’m struck by how I’d feel if one of my son’s behaved that way towards any female (or male for that matter) or witnessed this and didn’t speak up. It makes me realize even more I need to keep talking to them and keep giving them the message that not only do we have the right to not be treated badly, whether sexual harrassment or any type of abuse, nor do we have the right to treat others badly or witness it without trying to stop it or get help stopping it. bravo Mir and Chickie!
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You bring up a good point – we talk to our girls, but are the boys being talked to by their parents? Too much “boys will be boys” mentality – I think they should be hearing it from their Dad’s as well as their Mom’s.
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I would be furious on Chickie’s behalf (actually, I AM furious on her behalf). Sexual harassment is just not taken seriously, and that’s just not okay.
FWIW, I STRONGLY suggest to everyone in the world that they check out their local Unitarian Universalist Church, where 8th graders are offered a comprehensive sex ed class that includes several sessions on this stuff.
So sorry. Tell Chickie she did the right thing by telling. It is always better to tell.
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I’m shocked by the number of stories of sexual harassment on here. We have two daughters (ages 5 & 8,) and I’ve been reading the “highlights” (low lights) to my husband. I do NOT want them to deal with this at all. EVER!
I was sexually harassed in the workplace, at the time of the Anita Hill debacle. In the end, I quit my job (small company & CEO was culprit,) rather than go through the process of reliving all of it. I was in my early 20s and had a cocktail waitress job to “support” my “real job.” I knew if a woman w/credentials like Anita Hill could be discredited (which is what they were trying to do, and basically did do by confirming Clarance Thomas’ appointment,) than I could only imagine what they’d do with me. Since that time, I almost feel like it’s been a badge of shame. I don’t talk about it, and when it has come up friends/family are usually shocked to hear that I “just left.” (My personality is more typical of the Mama Bear response.) The thing is, our society has made the victim in these situations feel like they somehow caused it. We do blame the victim and I don’t know why. From reading all of this, I realized that if you are an adult woman the chance that your haven’t been sexually harassed at some point in your life, is very, very slim. The only way we can change this is to talk about it. To support each other, talk about what’s happened to us, and sing from the mountaintops that they have NOT stolen are power. We are stronger than this, and we’re PISSED OFF.
There’s a reason it’s “Hell hath no fury like a WOMAN scorned.”
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I’ve paid for being a whistle blower at work. I wrote a memo when the conversation with my boss went nowhere (about a possibly toxic component to a medical device). My co-workers were hired at the next startup, and then the next, and the next. I wasn’t.
I’ve been told to look at past assault as “something bad that happened to me”, as in “sorry that bad thing happened to you.” Personally, I like to be mad, because I want to change the world. I am not complacent. But a lot of people would prefer not to hang out with someone who always wants to change things. Sin. Forgive. BS. This stuff shouldn’t happen to anyone. And when it does, we should comfort each other with open arms, not judgement and dismissal.
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I’m right there with you!!! Stand up, loud and proud!!! As a mother of both sons and a daughter, I take the time to not only teach my daughter how to stand up for herself but to teach my boys what is acceptable and what is NOT!! I also take the time to talk with them about how to stand up for others when they see someone being wronged! These things will continue to happen consistently if we as parents continue to allow our children to behave any way they want. AND give them the excuse, boys will be boys and girls will be girls, that is just how they are! NO IT’S NOT, it’s how we teach them to behave! It is time for people to stand up for each other and ourselves! Teach your children respect for themselves and others…
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Wow. You’ve handled this really well. I’m going to remember this, and your reaction, in case I have to deal with something similar myself, someday.
I’m mad that this happened to both of you, too. Let’s stay mad until people stop acting like idiots.
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My niece was the only freshman on a bus full of mostly seniors (boys and girls varsity soccer teams). There was ONE adult on the bus, and he was driving the bus. Some of the senior girls had promised the boys that if the boys won their game, the girls would “flash their boobs.”
The boys won. The senior girls “flashed” their sports bras at the boys. Then they turned to my niece and insisted she had to do it, too — NOW. She did, but she had no bra on. The boys and girls whistled and howled.
Several days later, my niece couldn’t help herself. She felt dirty and bad (raised Roman Catholic) and finally decided to talk to a trusted teacher. The teacher got the principal involved, the older children (and the coach/bus driver!!) denied that anything had happened — that my niece had simply decided to flash her boobs at all the boys for no reason.
My niece was suspended. Her mother arrived to pick her up and slapped her in the face. Her mother’s boyfriend told her “now everyone knows you’re a slut, and they’ll remember that for the rest of your life.” NOBODY ELSE was punished — not the other kids, not the coach, nobody.
This was ten years ago, and I am STILL absolutely livid about the entire thing, to the point of furious tears.
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Carolie…we’re speechless. WTF. Why didn’t your sister believe her daughter? How’s she (your neice) doing now, 10 years later?
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Sorry…meant to come back to this thread but life gets crazy. My (ex) sister-in-law was basically only concerned with how her daughter’s behavior reflected on her (the mother). She believed that the other kids were involved, but she said it didn’t matter — the only thing that mattered was that her daughter had “no morals” and behaved like a slut.
I was incensed, and wanted to charge out and rip apart the principal, the coach, the other kids, my SiL, her boyfriend, etc. But there was nothing I was able to do, since I was not her parent or guardian (sadly). I did my best to let my niece know I loved her, that I believed in her, and that it was NOT HER FAULT. Unfortunately, her mom seemed hell-bent on “punishing” the child, and had even told her I’d never want to talk to her again once I found out what a bad girl she was.
My niece got a full ride for her junior and senior year at The Governor’s School of SC, then went off (against her mother’s wishes) to college out of state. Unfortunately, she fell into alcohol and drugs — who knows how much influence that horrific experience had in that?
In the past few months,she finally seems to be getting her act together, and we are in touch again after several years of silence.
I still feel that the whole situation was similar to a rape victim being blamed AND punished for being raped.
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Getting mad is NORMAL for living, breathing human beings!!!!
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